Parental Development Dr. Leah Featherstone & Beka Dean

We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.

In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior. 

We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis. 

If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'

Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids.  Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.
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This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.

Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.

If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.

Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.

Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do. 

Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.

Because we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.

Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behavior will always leave you feeling disappointed.
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The moral of this week's episode: Nothing matters other than your relationship with your child!

What doesn't matter: grades; behavior; attitude; sports
What does matter: Our relationship  

My job as a parent isn't to control my kids' behavior, get them to act a certain way, make sure they're making other people comfortable. It's to show them love and acceptance and show them what a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to look like.

So much pressure is put on parents to make sure our kids act a certain way and don't get in trouble, which can feel really lonely and overwhelming. 

Our kids are not equipped to handle responsibilities that were never meant to be theirs. They're not equipped to handle other people's emotions, behaviors, reactions, or expectations. They have their own stressors, challenges, and needs that might already be overwhelming to them, so adding anything to their plate is virtually impossible for them to manage on their own.

If you have a kid who's struggling - stop focusing on the behavior; shift your focus on the relationship. It can start to feel like the entire relationship is focused on the negative, making it hard to even want to be around one another. If you can refocus on enjoying each other and improving the relationship, the rest will come.
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How do we treat our kids like full human people without treating them like adults and forcing them to grow up too quickly. Let's talk about it!

Treating our kids like full people simply means that we welcome all of their humanness and don't try to minimize or talk them out of their experiences. It means that they deserve as much respect as any adult.

There is not a topic that's off limits with my kids. There is a spectrum of the amount, intensity, and way information is shared.

For hard topics: 
Tell the truth
Follow their lead
Share what's developmentally appropriate
Welcome follow up conversations

The amount of information we share with our kids grows with them as they age. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing the minute they become curious about a certain topic.
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This episode finishes our conversation about bias, inclusion, and how our brains are wired for sameness , making these changes hard.

In order to start to change our unconscious beliefs, we first have to bring it into our conscious awareness so we can then override those that are unhealthy, dangerous, wrong, etc.

We have to consciously choose to access the parts of our brains that challenge our biases and help us develop new pathways regarding people and situations that are "other." 

Interactions with "others" gives opportunities to challenge our unconscious beliefs about them

Our brains default to the easiest, fastest associations possible, to preserve energy. Sometimes this makes us rely on stereotypes and deny experiences that might challenge them. 

I want my kids' beliefs to be based on their actual experiences with people who are other than them instead of relying on the fear or discomfort associated with being near different people. 
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This episode talks about what can sometimes be a taboo or hard topic: bias, diversity, and race. We utilize science to talk through how our brains are wired for sameness and build bias into our system, in order to protect us.

For more information about this topic, check out this book, that we used to start our conversation. Understanding the science can help take the shame and judgment out of this topic, which can then make it easier to have productive conversations.

Our brains are designed to identify and empathize more with people who look like us. Our conscious beliefs and what we would say about people who are different than us, are often different from the unconscious signals our brains send us when we are exposed to differences.

It's not possible to not have any biases; it's built into our brains!

All of our experiences are either lessening or strengthening the biases we have naturally. As a parent, I want to pay attention to how I talk about "others," so my kids don't pick up on my biases and so it won't reinforce the differences their brain is recognizing. 
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